Microsoft Announces Windows 95

August 24, 1995

In an official announcement from Microsoft today, the true reason for the release of Windows '95 has finally been uncovered. In a speech given by Bill Gates this morning, he said, "We have spent a great deal of time developing Windows '95. In the beginning it was simply a matter of trying to improve our existing Windows for Workgroups product, but we soon realized that if we changed the OS enough, we could ensure incompatibility with all competing products, thereby helping to strengthen our monopoly on the computer software industry. We simply can't afford to let our competitors produce software that will not only run on our operating system, but will also outperform similar products produced by us."

When asked about new features in Windows '95, Bill Gates responded with, "Of course you have the new looks and features like memory protection capable of stopping approximately 10% of the unstable programs from crashing the entire system, but some of the more interesting new features are not as well known. For example, in order to maintain a more consistant level of reliability with our previous releases, the system itself has been designed to crash 20% more often than previous releases to more than make up for the aforementioned 10% fewer software crashes. There is also a new DoubleSpace compression program that will search for and remove any non-Microsoft products from your harddrive. But before you start jumping to conclusions, those programs won't work under Windows '95 anyway, so you really won't be losing anything. We have also incorporated a new installation program that will scan your harddrive and upload its contents to our own system. Many people have asked us why we do this, and the reason is because not everyone will enable the new compression program. By having this list of software, we can custom-design programs to safely disable non-Microsoft products on everyone's harddrives."

As many of you already know, Microsoft has been selling buggy beta releases of Windows '95 for $35 for the past several months. With it's official release today, one reporter asked Bill Gates if he thought it was complete. Bill Gates responded with, "Nothing we produce is ever really complete. We didn't really want to let this out, but the release version of Windows '95 is actually the same as the beta releases. Now you all have to promise not to let this piece of information out, ok?" I pass this information along with your assurance that you will keep this secret to yourself.

With that last statement, Bill Gates quickly disappeared. He was reportedly seen driving away at a high speed, apparently trying to escape any more prying questions from the media. And, so that pretty much concluded the meeting this morning. If we receive any further information, we'll be sure to report it immediately.