Higher Source Raises Stakes in Internet Industry

by Charles Forsythe

Redmond -- Microsoft Corporation has announced plans to acquire the Website and Internet development corporation Higher Source for an undisclosed fee. "Higher Source has proven its commitment to strange mind-control cults and UFO religions," said Microsoft spokeswoman, Anita Klue,"Their willingness to kill themselves for the sake of their technology is the kind of dynamic that Microsoft wants to promote."

In conjunction with the acquisition, Microsoft announced a new program called "Active Cult 97", which is expected to be in place by late 1998. Active Cult aims to make the use of Microsoft technology more of a religion-driven decision as opposed to a technology-driven decision. "This isn't expected to be a big change for Microsoft's customer base," explained Ms. Klue. Details of Active Cult were not disclosed, but it was suggested that instead of crashing with the infamous "blue screen of death" or "General Protection Fault", Microsoft's operating systems would merely display the message "Windows died for your sins."

Mike S. Brown, who writes about the industry in his PC Weak column "M.S. Brown Knows" responded enthusiastically to the announcement. "This really raises the stakes for Internet development. IBM may be content to kill its own products, like OS/2, but Microsoft is willing to kill its own developers and maybe even some customers. That's the kind of bold difference that will make UNIX, OS/2 and the Mac completely irrelavent by the end of 1996!" When is was pointed out that 1996 was already over, Mr. Brown retorted,"No it's not! If it was, then Microsoft would be behind schedule on Windows 97 -- which it isn't."

An IBM employee, who asked to remain anonymous due to the fact that the whole issue was "extremely silly," said that "IBM is committed to the future of network computing and OS/2 is an important part of that future." He added that,"IBM is not interested in promoting suicide. If you want to talk about promoting suicide, talk to Microsoft's ISVs. Can you say `Citrix'?"

Reaction amongst Windows users was generally positive. Ben de Miover, CIO for a large company which recently switched its operations from the Apple Macintosh to Windows 95, explained,"Windows is really cool because you can play Quake in, like, a window and stuff." He also cited a complete lack of Windows 95 applications for the Macintosh. "How can modern business function without Windows 95 applications. Y'know, like Quake?" In addition, he was pretty sure that OS/2 and UNIX were "new wave bands from L.A."

Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment.