About the word "Fuck"

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

  • Aggression: Fuck you!
  • Agreeable: Fucking A.
  • Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
  • Confusion: What the fuck?
  • Deception: Fucking liar.
  • Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
  • Despair: Fucked again.
  • Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business.
  • Directions: Fuck off.
  • Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?
  • Disgust: Fuck me.
  • Dismay: Oh, fuck it.
  • Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
  • Fraud: I got fucked by the used car dealer.
  • Greetings: How the fuck are you?
  • Incompetence: He's a fuck up.
  • Laziness: He's a fuck off.
  • Lost: Where the fuck are we?
  • Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
  • Perplexity: I know fuck all about it.
  • Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
  • Puzzelled: How the fuck do I know?
  • Rebellion: I don't give a fuck what he said!
  • Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
  • Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
  • Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
  • Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.

It can be used as an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up in this fucking job?"
It can be maternal as in - "Motherfucker."
It can be political - "Fuck Bill Clinton."

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck did all these Indians come from?" - General Custer
"Where is all this fucking water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?" - "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say fuck? Use it frequently in your daily speech; it will add to your prestige.

Today, say to some one... FUCK YOU!

A nice wav file, fword.wav (1176k) says basically the same things listed above, set to a background of Vivaldi. The voice is that of the late Jack Wagner, the former 'voice of Disneyland'.

Avoid Foul Language!

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

None of less we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

Old PhrasePrefered New Phrase
No fucking way!I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me.Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck.Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck.Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem.I wasn't involved with that project.
What the fuck?Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work.I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner?I'll try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares?Are you sure this is a problem?
He's get his head up his ass.He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit!You don't say.
Eat shit and die.Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker.Excuse me Sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life?They weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass.So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary.I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass.I love a "challenge".
Who the hell died and made you the boss?You want me to take care of this.
Blow me.I see.
Blow yourself.Do you see?
Another fucking meeting?Yes, we really should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit.I don't think it will be a problem.
He's a fucking prick.He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch.She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.I think you could use more training.
This place is all fucked up.We're a little disorganized.

"Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton.

Yucks Volume 5 : Issue 19

Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 08:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: ncr02!ncr02!bprice@ucs01.attmail.com ("Price, Becca")
Forwarded-by: crone-owner
From: quirke_a@ix.wcc.govt.nz.

An Extremely Immodest Proposal.

[Note: Free distribution and editing of this text is encouraged, provided no person attempts to claim copyright]

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." - The Constitution of the United States

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people to ridicule the political authorities which have governed their society, and to assume among the other adults of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should do so in as effective and humorous a fashion as possible.

The Communications Decency Act of 1995 (as yet unpassed by the House) attempts to limit any electronic communication which is obscene, lewd or lascivious. Reportedly initiated out of a desire to prevent graphic pornography from polluting the tender minds of youth, this Act potentially renders any US citizen electronically using "filthy" language liable to up to $100,000 and/or two years in jail.

We can but concede to the wisdom of the Senators involved in sponsoring, since it is obvious that they know better than the users of the Internet what is and is not acceptable language. The reduction of electronic communication to a level acceptable in a nursery playground must be hailed as a giant step forward, and protests about First Amendment rights must go unheard in the wave of righteous anger at the thought that minors allowed free access to the Net may hear certain words.

Yet, we find ourselves in a dilemma. The words banned by this Act are useful, in that they convey a wealth of information and meaning which would be sorely missed in electronic communication. Passionate email flirtations would be greatly cooled by the inability to be specific, and a prohibition on expressing their fevered rantings will ensure the more juvenile Usenetters develop ulcers well before their time.

Moreover, simple substitution cannot be acceptable. When it is obvious from context what word a cipher stands for, that cipher is endowed with the same meaning and implications as the original word. In the absence of any compelling reason to keep the substitute in the public sphere, the good Senators attempting to help us will surely consider these substitutes equally obscene.

Thus, in the spirit of Robert Anson Wilson, we suggest that substitute words be found which convey these necessary meanings, and yet which those politicians working tirelessly to protect the public good cannot consider obscene. Happily, such words exist.

In the event of the Communications Decency Act being passed, we urge all people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to ban or censor:

Byrd: noun: The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats: noun: Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon: verb: To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton: noun: The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm: verb: To orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin: noun: The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms: noun: The male phallus.

An example of this usage might be as follows: "Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. She writhed under my teasing tongue as her Gramm washed over her, her juices pouring out. I moved up to suck and nibble her Heflins, only to have her clutch my Byrd, and drive my aching Helms into her waiting Gorton. "Coats!", she said, "We're being quoted in a political text!"

In closing, we'd like to thank Senators Exon and Gorton for their sterling work in attempting to clean up the Internet. We hope that this immodest proposal will let them know just how much we appreciate it, and that they should rest assured that we will do our part in making sure their names are never forgotten.

[For some reason this reminded me of an odd greeting card message from many years ago: "Mrs. Gorton's Fish Sticks. Does yours?" Maybe it's time for my medication again.... --spaf]

How to say: "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!"

How to say "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head" in various languages:
  • Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
  • Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
  • Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
  • Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
  • Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
  • Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
  • Bosnian: Boze moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
  • Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
  • Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
  • Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
  • English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
  • Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
  • Finnish: Voi Luoja! Päässäni on kives!
  • French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
  • German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
  • Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
  • Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
  • Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
  • Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, egy fejsze van a fejemben!!
  • Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
  • Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
  • Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
  • Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
  • Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
  • Korean: Oh, mapsosa, nae muhrieh dokiga itdani!
  • Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
  • Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!
  • Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
  • Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
  • Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
  • Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en øks i hodet!
  • Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
  • Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
  • Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
  • Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
  • Spanish: Dios mio! Hay un hacha en mi cabeza!
  • Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
  • Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
  • Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
  • Ukrainian: Gospody! V mene topor v golovi!
  • Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida
  • Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
Complied by Johann Junginger and posted to alt.gothic a few years ago.

I didn't write these. I found them on all the Net. If you know the original author, please get in touch so I can give them credit.

Greg Hankins, ghankins@mindspring.com
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